O NO WILL HE SEX HER UP
by Natarie
Summary: Oh noooooo Sesshoumaru is somehow affected by some sort of lust something it is naraku's fault as usual and he wants Kagome! What will happen will he sex her up (I should hope so)! CRACK


A/N: HI I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT I SOMETIMES (usually) CAN'T TAKE FANFICTION SERIOUSLY

(05/2010 addendum) I wrote this at like 2:30am in a space of 40 minutes one night after seeing too many sesskag fics with the basic plot summary below. It's very old, in case you hadn't noticed. I also found it in my "Crap" folder, if that says anything about the state of mind I was in when I wrote it. But seeing it still makes me grin, so I thought I would upload it!

PLOT: Oh noooooo Sesshoumaru is somehow affected by some sort of lust something it is naraku's fault as usual and he wants Kagome? What will happen will he sex her up (I should hope so!)!

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'_Fuck,_' Kagome thought, staring up at Sesshoumaru and distantly noting that his fangs looked _very _sharp. '_Fuck!_' she thought again. This was so not cool. His eyes had bled red, his pupils dilated and focused on her. His youkai markings stood out in stark contrast to his skin which seemed to have gone even paler than usual. He looked crazy, and she was painfully aware of his claws and fangs and how he was panting just slightly.

Either he was going to attack her, or something else that was _very bad_ was sure to happen. Kagome didn't like her options. She wasn't even sure she _had_ options. Trying to keep her heartbeat calm and her breathing steady, she took the tiniest, infinitesimally small step backwards it was possible for her to take.

Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed and he _growled_, swooping in and wrapping her in his arms in some nightmare parody of a hug. Kagome found herself squished to his chest and she "Eeep'd" before her face was pressed directly into his neck.

'_Fuck_' Kagome thought. He smelled good. Kind of the way Inuyasha smelled—the faint scent of dog musk plus something foresty, cool, and just a bit damp. But Sesshoumaru also smelled, distantly, of flowers and warm sun and well-oiled leather. That was surprising. The flowers must be from Rin and she supposed he spent enough time walking around to smell like the sun—

Then Sesshoumaru's hands started moving and Kagome tensed. He let one hand card gently through her hair, while the other gripped her hip and moved downward and '_What the fuck?_' Kagome screeched indignantly in the privacy of her own mind. Was he _feeling up her ass? _Even Miroku didn't do that and he had negatively-charged magnets in his hands that attracted them to positively-charged female asses.

Okay, so apparently he had no desire to rend the flesh from her body. No, he just wanted to _sex her up_. Kagome tried to move her arms, but she was being held too firmly to his chest to move. It was a very nice chest, now that she had the opportunity to be pressed against it. Kagome was pretty sure she was in some kind of shock to be able to make reasonable observations about his physique right now. After all, his hand was still in her hair, though at least the other one had the decency to rest on the small of her back.

But now that she'd realized what her mind was trying to do to distract her, it suddenly didn't work anymore. She tried not to focus on how fast her heart was beating or how she was started to shiver from barely-repressed fear and shock. He could _smell_ fear. She knew it could. Oh kami, he could _smell _it and he would do something worse than feel up her ass and then she'd have Inuyasha's crazy elder brother doing something worse to her than just feeling up her ass and oh fuck oh kami Kagome was going to start hyperventilating soon if this didn't stop.

Frantically, she squirmed, trying to do anything to impose some distance between them. Sesshoumaru refused to let go. His hands tightened and he pressed his face into her hair, inhaling sharply before _snarling at her_. Kagome fell still, her mind skittering helplessly inside her skull at the feel of his breath on her ear. Then, mercifully, the quick-thinking part of her mind that had earlier tried to distract her took up prominence over the rest of her brain.

Not even aware of what she was doing, Kagome started whining, pulling the sound from low in her throat in the best impression of a dog's pathetic whimper she was ever to give for the rest of her life.

Sesshoumaru stiffened. He made an inquisitive rumble in his own throat, and when Kagome continued whining without heeding the sound, his hands dropped and he let go, taking a few steps back.

Without support from his arms, Kagome's shaky legs sent her tumbling to the ground where she sat for a good two minutes before the adrenaline rush stopped obstructing her thought processes and she realized Sesshoumaru was no longer about to sex her up. Instead, he was standing where he had retreated, head cocked to the side in a way that would have been endearing minus the blood-red eyes.

He rumbled again, and this time Kagome actually heard it. "No," she gasped out, voice as shaky as her legs and not at all as strong as she wanted it to be. Then, louder: "No!"

And, by some miracle of the kamis, he retreated again, turning his back on her to move before looking at her over his shoulder in a way that was distinctly questioning.

Kagome bit her lip. First he was intent on pressing her to the nearest tree and doing something she really didn't want him to do and now he was acting like… acting like a chastised puppy? She blinked and looked up at him.

"No," she said experimentally. Sesshoumaru didn't get any shorter, but it was almost as if his frame cringed at the word. Blinking again, Kagome tested her legs and tried to stand. Sesshoumaru was looking at her when she stood and she noticed he'd moved forward a few steps. "No," Kagome said firmly, reveling in her power and glaring for all she was worth.

Again, the sense of Sesshoumaru cringing before he retreated, staring at her in what was probably supposed to be a hesitant manner. Emboldened, Kagome stepped forward. She paused and looked at him, searching for the slightest hint of his manner from before. He merely opened his eyes very widely and looked at her. Choosing between laughing at the ridiculous look on his face and what she was about to do, Kagome stepped forward.

He made no move as she approached him, and Kagome grabbed the collar of his kimono, yanking him forward so his face was close to hers. She stared at him before moving his face so it was near her hair. "No," she said. "Bad!"

Releasing him and glaring, Kagome grabbed one of his hands, holding it just over her butt. "No," she said again. "Bad!"

As soon as she let go of his wrist, he'd pulled it back and clamped it to his side, his wide eyes still staring beseechingly. Kagome gave him one deadly glare and then moved to the nearest tree, resting her back against it and sliding down until she could sit terra firma.

Frankly, this made no sense. Had she really just scolded Sesshoumaru as if he was a household pet instead of a scarily powerful demon lord? Apparently! Kagome sighed and ran a hand through her hair, leaning her head back against the tree. Whatever had caused this… this _brain transfer_ or whatever between him and the nearest puppy was sure to have repercussions later. He was going to wake from his daze, remember that she'd scolded him, and then he was going to come after her and follow through on what he'd been _about_ to do before she stopped him. Kagome shuddered at the thought and opened her eyes.

Sesshoumaru was sitting three feet away and looking at her longingly, with the kind of longing Buyo had in his eyes when he wanted a good belly rub. Kagome's breath caught in her throat. No, oh no. This was some filthy dirty lie the kamis had come up with to curse her. But no, because he'd leaned over very carefully and bumped the hand she had resting on one knee with his head.

He looked ridiculous, stooped over all the way just to touch her hand. Kagome wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. Then he leaned over and lay very carefully in the dirt so his head was right next to her knee and she did a little of both, choking on her laughter and rubbing at her face with one hand.

Sesshoumaru made that inquisitive sound in his throat again, bumping her knee with his head and Kagome swallowed down her feelings and pulled his head into her lap, putting one hand delicately into his hair, ready at the least sign of provocation to drop him in the dirt and run. But the slightest touch of her hand to his hair and he'd closed his eyes, turning his head to give her better access as she proceeded to start scratching his head.

If she was going to be torn limb from limb later, she might as well die knowing she deserved it. And maybe she'd only get off with a light evisceration, Kagome thought as she worked on an area behind one of his ears. After all, he'd come onto her in the first place, first as raging-hormones Sesshoumaru then as suddenly-puppy Sesshoumaru.

Suddenly-puppy Sesshoumaru was kind of cute, Kagome had to concede. Here he was begging scratching from her, laying on his back with his head in her lap. Did he expect a belly rub, lying like that? Kagome hoped not, because he wasn't going to get one. Still,… she leaned her head back and continued scratching. This wasn't so bad. If she could only get Inuyasha to do this…

Kagome awoke hours later with a major crick in her neck. Her hands were pressed in something soft and flowy and, curious, she looked down to see bright golden eyes staring up at her.

'_Oh fuck!_' Memories of last night assaulted her. Sesshoumaru was awake and coherent and no doubt about to flay her alive. Kagome "Eeep'd!' and clapped one hand over her mouth.

Sesshoumaru barely reacted to her actions or the panic in her eyes. "Miko," he drawled, closing his eyes, "I am not sure as to what transpired last night, but keep scratching and I will kill you later."

"Or you could just not kill me ever?" Kagome ventured in a small voice.

He opened his eyes and looked at her, blinking once, languorously. "That depends on how well you scratch."

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OH RIGHT HE ONLY HAS ONE ARM. WHATEVER THIS IS FOUR PAGES OF CRACK I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.


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